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Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Thoughts on how my life events have made me more human

I used to think there was a right way and a wrong way to do things. Do A, then B, then C and all is right with the world. There is a natural order and a way things are supposed to happen and if you do it in that order then life unfolds....uncomplicatedly (yes, that is a word, I don't care what Google says).

Until it doesn't.

You do A, B, and C and then Y happens. And you start to ask Why? Why? Why? You start to question everything you know is true. Things just don't happen this way. You go through the motions of life. You wonder what the heck is going on. How your life was swapped with some life meant for someone else. You fight against it. You are in denial.

People come out of the woodwork and tell you about a friend, relative, cartoon character that had XYZ and then they got help and everything was fine. And you think to yourself on alternate days: Yes, we will get the help we need and everything will be fine. This will be a blip and we will be telling the stories that all is fine and we have no idea why we ever worried.

On the other days you think to yourself: We are getting help. But things will never be fine. Life will be be forever changed and fine is not a word that will ever describe your life. (Later, maybe much later, you will realize that fabulous is a much better word to describe your life - even though some days you would still classify it as frustrating)

And people with kids with different abilities tell you how having a child with different abilities is really a blessing.  And you just think they are nuts. Why are they telling you this? You can't imagine the day that you will think what they are telling you is spot on.

Other people tell you about the poem Welcome to Holland and you say nope. Not at all. We are NOT in Holland (author note: I've been to Holland more than once in real life so I can say this definitively).  And you think then as you do now, F&*K Welcome to Holland. It's a great poem written by a (I'm sure) lovely Mother but it has nothing to do with me. So please, for the love of all things holy PLEASE STOP directing me to that poem. I find no solace in it.

You muddle through life like it's a dream and one day you will wake from it. You get no sleep and somehow have to function day in and day out day after day after day. You are numb.

You and your spouse may/may not be on the same page. And that can be hard. It can cause marriages to break up. It can cause other marriages to be stronger. Some days you think you are a mixture of both.

Most days you just think you need more sleep. Because everything seems better after a good night of sleep. But sleep is an elusive thing and you still manage to muddle through somehow.

And one day you stop fighting against your reality. You accept it because it's steamrolled you over and you just don't have enough energy to pick yourself back up. Because, yeah, there is the lack of sleep.

And you realize - WOW!

WOW!

Once you stop fighting it you think maybe, just maybe, this is a blessing. Maybe those people knew what they were talking about. Maybe the road less travelled is really quite beautiful.

And like many roads, part of the road is beautiful. And part of the road has some pot holes.

And I am thankful that there is wine on the road.  Because, well, I like wine.

And I like my friends.  And I am thankful that I have a lot of friends to help me navigate this road.  And I'm thankful that those friends like wine, too. You know who you are - I can't imagine what life would be like without your support.

And then you know.  The road less travelled has made you more human. You can relate to people more. You see people clearly. You find joy in the small things in life. Your life is more fulfilling and happy than you ever expected. You are a changed person and you can never, ever go back to the person you were before Y happened.

And then you know with 100% clarity that YOU DON'T WANT to. You don't want to go back to that person. And you no longer ask Why, but instead ask how did I get so lucky?

I thank God every day for the life that I am blessed to live. I thank God for the village that He has surrounded me with.

Here's to our human village. Here's to our family and friends and taking the road less travelled. Here's to being human.

3 Comments from readers:

Anonymous said...

A wonderful story from a wonderful mother. We all think we are helping in our own way,, but truly we do not understand all the ups, downs to your goals. Sometimes goals never come.and the many corners you must take to get to one out of many goals. However, keep on trying and never give up the fight.. Good things DO happen. Maybe not when we want them to, but when the Man above sees fit to grant our wishes.r

Love you to the moon and back.
Mom

Blake Elliott said...

I accidentally stumbled across your blog whilst researching info on Feline calcivirus(FCV - I couldn't remember the acronym) and just wanted to say from the bottom of the world(Australia) thank you for sharing your stories, especially as I had never heard of CMV beforehand.

stacy klostermann said...

Hi, I am reaching out to you because I am pretty certain that someone is using your daughters picture and saying it us hers. Could you please get in touch with me thru either Facebook (if you have a page), or thru email. My email is... stacyklostermann@gmail.com. I have aa picture she used and I want to see if it's your daughter and to let you know that is being used if it's her. Thank you so much and I will be looking for your reply

Thank you,

Stacy Klostermann